It’s been one month to the day since my last post. That’s the longest I’ve ever gone without posting to this blog and with the exception of this post, it will continue this way. Just getting this posted took a lot of effort. I sat and stared at my computer screen for what seemed like forever. I even got up and walked away for about an hour, but then I came back. I figured something was better than nothing, right?
A month ago I was thrown into a tail spin. There was a death of someone my family knows that I was not prepared for and I’ve had trouble coming to terms with it. Then to make matters worse, my grandma has taken ill and has taken a turn for the worse and has currently, temporarily (but maybe not), been moved in with my uncle so he can take care of her. My mother, who lives with my grandma and has always taken care of her is now on her own for the first time. Ever. To say my mom is not handling this well, physically or emotionally, is putting it lightly. She’s also informed me that she’s been having serious medical issues for about a year and never said a word about it until now. She is unable to care for my grandma due to her own health, health that is so precarious that she is seeing an attorney to make sure all her affairs are in order.
I have always been the strong one, the one everybody turns to in time of need. I’ve always been very proud of that fact. I’ve always been the rock of my family. Now, not so much. I’m on my own with all this. Anxiety, which I’ve never had a problem with, is consuming me and I hate it. When my brother was alive, he dealt with any issues that would come along and I was his support system. Now, it’s all on me and me alone. My grandma and mom are the last of my family. I knew this day would eventually come, but one is never really prepared for it. On top of that, I still have my family to take care of. My anxiety, as much as I try to hide it, is starting to effect my family at home. My boys know, to an extent, what is going on but for the most part they’re on a need-to-know basis right now. However, my youngest has become more clingy and my oldest is acting out. And my husband, well, he’s seeing the worst of me right now. Suffice it to say I’m not a pleasure to be around.
I will continue to visit and read everyone else’s blogs because quite honestly, they’re a godsend. I like ‘escaping’ for a time while I read what is going on in your lives. I’ll be lurking, but I’m not gone. Say a little prayer or two for me and please don’t forget about me, this fan of yours. There is a light at the end of my tunnel even though I can’t see it yet, but I’ll get there!